


Memory Lane

by vonvoyage



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 15:23:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20566577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vonvoyage/pseuds/vonvoyage
Summary: “How much do you remember exactly?”He doesn’t say anything at first, keeping his eyes downcast on where his hands are folded in his lap. It’s an idiotic question since he knows she doesn’t actually consider them to be memories. He answers eventually either way.“Not everything. Bits and pieces. Nothing really clear, like conversations I may have had for example. More like moments, faces, voices.” He pauses for a moment before continuing, “I think I may remember dying.”





	Memory Lane

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote the first few thousand words of this years ago and then it just sat gathering dust before I finally got motivation and wrote the rest of it these past several weeks. Better late than never and all that

_“How much do you remember exactly?” _

_He doesn’t say anything at first, keeping his eyes downcast on where his hands are folded in his lap. It’s an idiotic question since he knows she doesn’t actually consider them to be memories. He answers eventually either way. _

_“Not everything. Bits and pieces. Nothing really clear, like conversations I may have had for example. More like moments, faces, voices.” He pauses for a moment before continuing, “I think I may remember dying.” _

**o0o**

Levi blinks awake at the sound of a baby wailing and disoriented he lifts his head to look around, a second later realizing that he managed to fall asleep on the subway again. Looking up at the display he can also see that he’s only one stop away from the one where he’s meant to get off. With some bad luck and he would have missed it.

At the very least, he can hope that with how absolutely worn out he’s currently feeling, he might actually just fall right asleep when he comes home and manage to sleep through the night for once. With how frequent the dreams have been as of late, it would be something much needed. Especially considering he has another day of work at the warehouse to get through before the weekend.

Giving a small sigh at the thought he drops his head down into his hands, rubbing them over his face before dragging them up through his hair, as if this in some way would help him feel less exhausted.

The walk back to the apartment is accompanied by tired legs and heavy shoulders, and they weigh him down to a point where all he can do when finally getting inside is collapse to the floor and breathe, his back leaning against the door.

It’s a familiar feeling, this fatigue.

At the thought, he can’t stop his eyes from involuntarily glancing at the paintings tucked away in the far left side of his little apartment.

A glimpse of landscapes, wings, walls, green, _red_, before he tears his gaze away.

He really should find something he can use to cover them up with, so he doesn't need to have them simply standing there staring back at him.

Forcing himself up from the floor, he turns his back to them instead, walking over to his bed and lowering the blinds, letting the room fall into darkness before he undresses and allows himself to sink down beneath the sheets. With the soft cotton surrounding him, he makes himself relax, and he barely has time to think about how he really needs to go grocery shopping the next day before sleep claims him and he doesn’t think anything at all.

**o0o**

_“Do the memories scare you?” she asks. _

_He frowns as he considers the idea. _

_“No. When I was younger, I suppose they did, but now…They’re unpleasant in most cases, but… nothing that I can think of really scares me.”_

**o0o**

Against all odds, he does actually manage to sleep undisturbed through the entire night, getting over twelve hours of sleep, something almost entirely unheard of, and he gets through the day for once without feeling like he has to drag his unwilling feet along. Of course, this means that when he goes to fall asleep the next evening, he has one of the most vivid dreams he’s had since he was fifteen and first tried to use sleeping pills, waking up in a cold sweat after only a few hours of rest.

He barely thinks as he simply grabs the first best articles of clothing he finds in his wardrobe before leaving, heading out into the city that is still bustling with life even though it’s in the middle of the night.

It’s moments like these when Levi wishes he was back in the silence of the suburbs again. There was a certain type of calmness he used to achieve from going for walks in the quiet of the night that now seems far out of reach. He can’t make himself belong in this world of too loud music and blinking lights.

The stillness of his apartment feels tempting enough that he almost considers going back home, but then he also remembers the tightening in his chest when it felt like the walls were closing in on him, and so he continues walking down the road, hands deep in his pockets and hood pulled down low.

He doesn’t exactly have any intentions of stopping anywhere, in moments like this often simply wanting to keep going until the feeling of being trapped dissipates enough for it to be manageable. However, as he’s passing yet another one of the flashy bars situated at the side of the road, he decides to head inside. It wouldn’t be the first time he had turned to the haze of alcohol to escape or get some form of comfort. Although, mostly he would do it in the loneliness of his home or at the more hidden away establishments which offered a certain privacy bars like these did not.

He already has his ID ready to show the bouncer at the door, no stranger to being stopped and long ago having stopped feeling any annoyance about it.

Inside, there’s a myriad of people that he has to make his way through to be able to get to the bar. They’re all talking and laughing loud enough to give him a headache. Then again, he supposes they work well in shutting out other voices that sometimes fill his head even outside of dreams.

After having managed to get the bartender’s attention and having ordered his drink, he scans the place, hoping against reason that there might be any place to sit available.

“No such luck, huh?” he mutters to himself, resigning himself to having to stay put, and taking several large mouthfuls of the beer in his hand.

It’s as he’s putting it down and once again letting his eyes drift over the crowd that his eyes stop at the sight of short blonde hair and a broad back. The sudden aching familiarity is enough to make his heart speed up, even though he also knows that it’s not him, because it’s never him. It’s never any of them.

Yet, when the man turns to the side, it’s his jawline and his eyes and his face and, and – and Levi is actually losing his mind this time, isn’t he?

This is when he turns full-on crazy and starts hallucinating. This is when he reaches the point of no return, when he can no longer function as a normal person and has to be committed to some type of psych ward. He did always wonder how long it would take before he ended up there, and he guesses now he has the answer.

Yet, even though he knows it has to be his imagination, nothing in the world could possibly tear his gaze away.

_It’s him._

“_Erwin_?” The name is barely even a whisper on his lips, voice caught in his throat and heart feeling heavy as stone where it lies.

He’s wearing a suit, Levi observes, and his hair is cut in a different style, but everything else is the same as he remembers it. Although, he currently appears to be laughing carefree at something someone in his company said, and Levi can’t remember him doing much of that, so he supposes that’s different too. Not weighed down by all the guilt that comes with leading people to their death.

“Hey, dude, you okay?” The voice is spoken right into his ear and he turns startled to the side, where a guy who looks to be around his age is staring with a worried expression.

“Dude, you look really pale. Are you sick? Do you need me to call a cab?” His brows are drawn together in a show concern.

“I’m fine,” he responds, agitation clear in his tone. But as he turns back around, the place where Erwin was just sitting is empty and Levi feels the panic welling up inside of him. No. _No_.

_He was right there._

Where did he go?

“You don’t look fine, you look like you’re about to throw up. Or like have a panic attack - Hey wait, where’ you going?”

But Levi isn’t listening, all he is currently focusing on is the absolute need of finding him again. _Where is he?_

Pushing his way between dancing and sweating people, he only just manages to catch a glimpse of a tall figure making its way outside and he follows it out onto the curb. When the crisps night air greets him the first thing he does is grab a hold of a woman standing to his side enjoying a cigarette, shocking her enough to give a small cry of surprise, and although he knows he’s being rude, he barely spares her a glance.

“Hey! What the fuck do you –”

“Do you see that man over there?”

“What?”

“_The man_. Tall, broad shoulders, blonde hair? Standing over there talking to some guys?” He points to be helpful.

“Look, what the fuck is your deal?” She’s noticeably irritated, but all he wants to do is shake her for not answering.

“_Can you see him?_” he spits the words out, glaring at her momentarily before returning his gaze.

He’s greeted by silence at first.

“Yes, I can see him. What kind of question is that? What the fuck –”

“Thank you.” He lets go of her arm.

“Freak!” He hears her yell after him as he walks away. Which he supposes is fair. He’s never debated that fact before.

It’s first when he’s halfway over to where he’s standing that Levi realizes he doesn’t know what he’s doing or what he’s planning to say. His feet suddenly become as though glued to the ground, and he notices for the first time how much his palms are sweating. The nausea that hits him is almost bad enough to make him bend over.

Then, Levi observes how he seems to be saying goodbye to his friends, sending them away in a cab before he himself starts to wander down the street.

Levi tries to call out, but it’s like his voice gets lost in his throat, only a meek sound managing to make its way out. He’s left standing there feeling stranded as he watches the figure of a person he remembers as someone once having great importance in his life walking further and further away.

It almost takes him to when he loses sight of Erwin – _it’s Erwin_ – before he manages to move his feet again and follow.

He stays at a considerable distance so as not to wake any suspicion, and they walk down several blocks before they seem to reach the destination. Which appears to be that of a very fancy apartment building.

Apparently he’s living it up considerably better than Levi.

He doesn’t attempt to follow inside, still has no idea what he’s doing, but at least he knows where he lives now. That’s good. He can go home and come back tomorrow, it’s fine. He hasn’t lost him.

Although, of course, he doesn’t leave.

Instead, he curls up in an alleyway on the opposite side of the road which offers a direct view of the entrance and stays there. He works to keep his breathing steady and to stop his body from shaking, feeling awfully reminiscent of an earlier time of his life in a different world.

He doesn’t sleep for the rest of the night.

**o0o**

_“You’re mother has expressed worry to me about your future.” Is what she chooses to start the session with by saying. It feels a lot like a slap in the face and his hands ball up into fists as he looks away. Feels ashamed, he thinks. _

_“Do you have any plans to continue on to university?“ she asks, voice gentle in a way that annoys him. As if she’s being careful around a wild animal. _

_He simply shakes his head and sighs. “I’m barely passing school as it is now, I just want to have it over with.”_

_“Well, it’s not a must in life so of course you don’t have to. I think it’s definitely best not to push yourself too hard, so if you don’t want to go then that’s the right choice. Although I do hope that you really think it over,” she says, pausing as she considers him. “There are several art institutes that you could apply to if you wanted to.”_

_“I’ve already thought it over and I’m not interested,” he answers, tone clipped. _

_“Of course,” she amends, “I hope that you decide to continue with your art either way though, even if it’s only during your free time. I think it’s a good outlet for your emotions and a healthy coping mechanism. Many people tend to turn to more self-destructive ways.”_

_He just shrugs and doesn’t reply. The image of the bottle he has hidden away underneath his bed burning a hole into his head all the while. _

**o0o**

When morning comes around and the streets slowly but surely start filling up with more people, Levi forces himself to uncurl from his position on the ground, his muscles stiff as he stretches them out. If what he feels like is any indication, he knows that he must look like shit. A part of him tries to argue with himself about going home again, that for all he knows Erwin will stay in his apartment the whole day and that he can’t stay here for several more hours. But in the end, he still can’t make himself leave, the bigger part of him feeling that he simply needs to see Erwin one more time,_ just once_, to really make sure.

Either way, he can’t stay in the alleyway for any longer, and so he makes his way over to a nearby café that’s facing the building, giving him a clear view of the entryway.

He can feel how the cashier side-eyes him as she prepares his coffee but at least she doesn’t comment, instead simply giving him a friendly smile as she hands him his drink.

“Enjoy,” she says and Levi nods in response.

“Thanks,” he mutters before taking a seat at one of the tables sitting by the big window overlooking the street outside.

He nurses his coffee, taking small sips to make it last longer as he lets the morning pass by. His eyes are heavy but the caffeine helps to keep him awake as he waits.

The plan is to stay however long it takes and so when he finishes his first cup he simply places a new order, grabbing a bagel to eat as well as his stomach starts growling in protest over not having had any food since last night.

He’s in the middle of eating it as the door of the apartment building opens. When Erwin steps out, Levi can feel his heart speeding up.

It is definitely him, he tells himself.

Staying in his seat, he pushes down the urge to go running outside and do something as stupid as approach him. To his surprise and slight horror, however, Erwin doesn’t appear to be heading away. Instead, he starts walking towards the coffee shop, and Levi’s heartbeat becomes almost deafening in his ears as he stares transfixed at Erwin making his way over. When he steps inside, Levi doesn’t think he could tear his eyes away even if he tried, even though he knows it’s obvious that he’s staring.

“Cup of cappuccino. To go, please.” His voice is barely audible over the sound of people talking all around him, but it’s still no question about it being just the same as Levi remembers, and his heart momentarily misses a beat as he hears it.

Then, as Erwin gets his order and turns around to leave, he looks to the side and straight up at Levi. For a moment, he stops breathing at the familiar blue in those eyes and is helpless to do anything apart from looking right back. Then, Erwin gives a small nod and a polite smile and continues right out the door as if nothing of matter at all had just occurred.

The reality of the situation slams into Levi like a ton of bricks and he can feel himself starting to shake. He doesn’t know what he was expecting and he tells himself that he hadn’t actually thought that Erwin would recognize him, but perhaps he had. Perhaps a part of him had thought that he would look upon Levi and just know who he was. That he also remembered.

But of course he didn’t, because he didn’t share Levi’s delusions. He wasn’t crazy. To him, Levi was just another person, another stranger.

Hands clenching into fists, he doesn’t bother finishing the rest of his bagel as he heads out the door. He feels sick to his stomach anyway.

**o0o**

“_We talked last time about you opening up more to your family, how did that go?”_

_“They looked at me with pity, so big surprise there.” The sarcasm tastes bitter on his tongue. _

_“That’s only because they want you to be okay.” _

_“No, it’s because they think I’m fucking crazy.” His voice is sharp like a knife when he snaps at her._

_He sees her opening her mouth to respond but beats her to it. _

_“Look, it’s not like I don’t get it, okay? I’m fully aware that something is seriously wrong with me. Even if I were to believe in things like reincarnation, it still wouldn’t explain my situation since nothing of what I remember has actually occurred in history. So I get it. But that doesn’t make it less real to me, I –” He stops himself in his rant, hands clenching and unclenching in his lap, fighting to reign in all of his emotions that are threatening to come loose. _

_“It just – It feels real to me.”_

**o0o**

He drinks himself into a stupor when he gets home. Needs something desperately to disconnect from reality, something that will make him forget. He throws up at one point and only just manages to make it into the bathroom, and shortly after that he blacks out.

When he wakes up the apartment is cast in darkness and he has a crick in his neck from where it’s been resting against the edge of the bathtub. With a groan, he manages to stand up, the pounding in his head making him want to sit right back down again, but he fights through it to drag his way out into the kitchen.

Filling a glass of water and swallowing some pain killers he then sinks down into one of the kitchen chairs, elbows on the table as he buries his face in his hands. He feels ill again, and he squeezes his eyes shut as he tries to will away the feeling of needing to puke.

_Fuck, he feels horrible._

He doesn’t know how long it takes for the nausea to pass, but when he feels like he can risk moving again he manages to raise his head enough to look at the clock hanging on the wall. Just after two pm, so in the middle of the night then. He debates just going to bed and trying to sleep, but he feels restless and now that he’s actually aware of himself again he’s terrified of the possibility of the dreams that might come as a result of seeing Erwin.

So instead, he turns to his paintings. Bringing out a new canvas, he places it on the easel before preparing the colors he’ll be using, disconnecting his brain and simply going through the motions. He doesn’t really think when he’s painting, which is probably also why he does it so much. A way to express himself without actually talking about it and the only thing coming close to actually helping him cope. He supposes it might be a way for this world in his head to become real. As if he can paint it into existing, and remove the images in his head by putting them on the canvas instead.

The picture takes form before his eyes, the cityscape, the wall, the destruction of it all. He doesn’t stop until he’s finished, and by then the first ray of sun has sneaked its way through the windows of his apartment. He gazes at his work and the finished painting stares back at him in all its emptiness.

**o0o**

_“Your mother told me that you used to have trouble sleeping while growing up, is this still a problem?” _

_“I suppose.” _

_“How much do you normally sleep?” _

_He shrugs. _

_“A couple of hours. Some nights not at all.” _

_“You have to be exhausted.” _

_Another shrug. _

_“I’m used to it.” _

**o0o**

Levi goes back to the coffee shop. He knows he probably shouldn’t, but he also can’t help himself, can’t simply let it go. It’s hard to say what he’s hoping to accomplish by doing it, or even if he’s hoping for anything at all, but either way, he still goes back. It doesn’t matter that he’s fully aware that he’s acting like a stalker, he just can’t tear himself away.

So he goes back the next day, and the following one after that as well when he’s finished at work. The whole week he spends at least an hour there every day, and the week after he continues to keep up the same routine.

After a while, Levi works out when he can expect to see him. During the weekends it’s always a gamble, but three times so far Erwin has come in to order himself a coffee in the morning, which at least establishes some form of a pattern, and during workdays Levi can sometimes catch a glimpse of him from inside his car when he arrives home later in the evening, usually around 6 o’clock. He parks in the apartments parking garage though, and so that small glimpse is all he gets.

Which is why it surprises him when Erwin a Monday afternoon, just shortly after Levi himself has arrived at the café, walks inside. It makes him feel unbalanced for a few seconds since he isn’t prepared for it, but he keeps his calm. At this point he’s managed to get a better handle of his emotions, has even exchanged the blatant staring for more subtle glances.

So he keeps his head down and drinks his tea, waits for Erwin to make his order and leave like usual. Yet this time, that doesn’t happen. Instead, Levi hears footsteps coming towards him, followed by someone stopping right next to where he’s sitting. He doesn’t dare look up.

“Would it be alright if I sat down here?”

There are a lot of empty tables available so he already knows Erwin’s came over to talk to him specifically. He tells himself to breathe.

“Yeah, sure.” His voice sounds strangely even as he answers, but he still doesn’t look up, eyes locked on where his hands are hugging his mug.

Erwin doesn’t say anything at first and the silence feels a lot as if it’s choking him.

“I didn’t mean to intrude,” he says eventually, and Levi forces himself to raise his head, to meet Erwin’s clear blue eyes that are looking at him searchingly.

“It’s not a problem,” he answers with a shrug, trying to appear unbothered.

Erwin smiles at him and takes a sip of his coffee.

“I’m sorry if this is very forward of me, but I’ve noticed that you’ve been watching me.”

Levi stares at him. Doesn’t even bother to try and deny it.

“I live in the building just across the stress so I’m here quite regularly and I don’t think I’ve seen you here before, except for these last few weeks. Did you recently moved here? You look pretty young.” He leans forward slightly as he asks and Levi leans back in his own seat automatically. Needs some space between them.

“No,” he answers honestly, “I live a few blocks away, just haven’t really been here before. And I’m twenty-three, so not that fucking young.”

Erwin only smiles warmly at him again.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you then. My name’s Mark.”

_No, it’s not. _

“I’m not calling you that,” he says with a huff.

“Excuse me?” Erwin gives a surprised laugh, head tilted to the side as he regards Levi in confusion.

“That name doesn’t fit you and I’m not calling you that,” he repeats firmly.

“Do you often tell strangers that you don’t like their names?” Erwin asks him with raised brows.

“No.”

“Just me then,” he says, sounding amused, “What would you suggest calling me instead?”

_I can’t tell you that._

“Whatever, doesn’t matter,” he answers dismissingly, looking away.

He can feel Erwin’s eyes on him, regarding him intently and he swallows down the bile threatening to rise in his throat.

“What’s your name then?” he asks and Levi hesitates slightly before answering, looking back and meeting Erwin’s gaze as he does.

“It’s Levi.”

“Okay, well Levi, if my name doesn’t bother you too much then maybe you’d like to join me for dinner this Friday?”

And it hits him, just like that, the fact that Erwin is hitting on him. Asking him out on a date from the sounds of it. Maybe he should have caught on to that sooner, but he was too much in his own head to consider it. He should have though, when he thinks back on it. Erwin obviously must have interpreted his staring as him having shown interest, that he’d been eying Erwin because he was attracted to him.

He doesn’t know what to respond, only stares back incredulously. It was never like that between them before. Perhaps some things that were left unspoken, things that were never acted upon, but nothing actually ever happened. Always close, but not once like that.

When Erwin clears his throat, Levi realizes that he’s been silent for too long and has to say something, that he has to respond.

“Yeah, sure, Friday sounds good,” he says, because what other option does he have? This way, he actually gets to see him again. Talk to him.

“Okay.” Erwin smiles, even while his eyes consider him in a way that feels almost intrusive, trying to figure him out. “Let me give you my phone number then.”

**o0o**

_“I think we should try putting you on some medication.”_

_“No.” His answer is immediate as he looks at her alarmedly. _

_“It could help you,” she tries, eyes caring as they gaze upon him._

_“The sleeping pills did not fucking help, they made everything worse, I’m not risking that shit again,” he snaps at her, stomach contracting in a tangle of nerves at the mere thought of it._

_“This would not be like the sleeping pills. It’s a medication commonly given to those suffering from schizophrenia –”_

_“I do not suffer from goddamn schizophrenia. Didn’t you fucking people already test me for that shit?” He stands up, can’t handle staying seated with how furious he feels._

_“Aiden, please –”_

_“I’ve told you to not fucking call me that.” His voice is vicious as he turns around to glare at her._

_“Levi,” she emphasizes his name as she says it, hands still folded calmly in her lap. “Please sit back down, there’s no need to get so upset. I’m just saying that it’s something we can try, something that might be good for you.”_

_“Or it might make everything fucking worse. I’m not doing it, and you can’t force me to.”_

_“We can revisit this topic later –”_

_“No, I don’t think you heard me. It’s not fucking happening.”_

**o0o**

Erwin insists on picking him up at his house and he arrives exactly on time at seven o’clock. Levi has already been sitting and looking out onto the street from the window by his bed for several minutes and he watches as the car pulls up by the sidewalk. He can just barely spy Erwin’s blond hair from the driver’s seat and he’s staring so intently that he barely notices as his phone lights up from an incoming text.

(7.00 pm) _I’m outside_

Levi glances down at the display and not for the first time that evening tells himself that this is a stupid idea and that he should simply cancel and stay away from this man that only feeds into his madness.

Yet, despite the fact that he knows that his old therapist would probably berate him for doing so, he still replies.

(7:01 pm) _be down in a minute._

“No going back now,” he mutters underneath his breath.

Grabbing his jacket, he makes his way down the stairs from his apartment on the third floor. Erwin has gotten out of his car by the time he gets there and he steps around to hold the door open for Levi on the passenger’s side. It makes him stop in his tracks, and he must make some kind of face because Erwin gives a small chuckle.

“Not much for chivalry?” he asks.

“It’s not like I can’t open my own damn door,” he mutters, feeling strangely self-conscious as he takes a seat in the car.

“Of course, but I always try to have good manners,” Erwin says, giving Levi a charming smile before shutting the door and moving over to the driver’s side again.

_Oh god, he’s trying to woo me_, Levi thinks, feeling embarrassed and keeping his eyes fixed on the road ahead as to avoid having to look at him.

“I haven’t been to this part of town before,” Erwin comments conversationally as he starts to drive, and Levi has to prevent himself from rolling his eyes. _Big surprise there_. “Do you like it here?” He continues, and at that Levi actually does roll his eyes, because honestly.

“It’s cheap,” he says drily. “And that’s pretty much all this place has going for it.”

Erwin hums considering.

“And what do you do for a living?”

Instead of replying, Levi turns to him with raised eyebrows.

“This feels a bit like an interview,” he says casually, not wanting to admit to himself that a part of him is avoiding the question because he feels weirdly ashamed of the answer.

“Well, one could argue that that’s what a first date is, in a way,” Erwin says, a playful tilt of his lips.

Levi almost replies by saying that he hasn’t actually been on a date before so he wouldn’t know, but instead he decides to just get over himself and answer truthfully.

“I work in a warehouse. It’s pretty shit but the pay’s okay and I avoid having to deal with annoying ass costumers all the time so it’s better than my old job.”

Erwin glances over at him in question.

“I used to be a waiter,” Levi offers in explanation, and even though the whole conversation is making him want to crawl out of his skin he forces himself to not let it show. There is literally not a single reason he should be ashamed of himself.

“Ah.” Erwin nods understandingly, not a hint of judgment in his tone. “I worked as a waiter a summer when I was younger as well. People can be quite horrible sometimes, can’t they?”

He says it in a way as if they’re sharing an inside joke. “Then again, working as a lawyer doesn’t provide a shortage of horrible people either.” At that comment, Levi does manage to crack a bit of a smile and Erwin obviously notices because he gets a bit of a self-satisfied expression on his face.

They arrive at the restaurant not shortly after that and Levi balks when Erwin pulls up in front of it. Jesus Christ, it even has valet parking for fuck’ sake.

“There’s no way I can afford this,” he protests immediately.

“I wouldn’t ask you on a date if I hadn’t been planning on paying for it,” Erwin says simply. And Levi reminds himself that yeah, the bastard probably has enough money lying around that going to a luxury restaurant for him is a bit like going to a fast food place for Levi.

As they get out of the car, Erwin hands the car keys over to the valet attendant before opening the door for the restaurant and gesturing with his hand for Levi to enter through first.

“Please, after you,” he says.

“You’re really laying it on thick, aren’t you?” Levi says with raised brows as he moves past him. Erwin only laughs quietly, putting a hand at the small of his back as he gives his name to the hostess.

“The reservation is under Mark Jenkins,” he says, and Levi feels himself tense at the mention of it.

“Of course, Mr. Jenkins, welcome back, allow me to lead you to your table,” the hostess says with a polite smile, before leading them through the restaurant and taking their drink order before leaving. Erwin removes his hand when they sit down, but Levi can still feel the imprint of it on his skin afterwards.

“Usually, most people like to be wined and dined,” Erwin says, continuing their previous conversation without skipping a beat, but Levi still feels rattled after the touching, and either it’s his lack of response or the look on his face that makes Erwin turn more serious, the smile dropping and being replaced with a concerned frown.

“We could go somewhere else if you want. If you’re not comfortable.” And he sounds genuine. As if it wouldn’t be an issue in the slightest.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he says dismissively. “We’re already sitting down.”

Erwin doesn’t lose the unsure look in his eyes and Levi rolls his eyes exasperated.

“I’ll just have to deal with being around a bunch of uptight rich people for the evening.” He doesn’t realize until after he says it that his statement might be taken as slightly offensive, considering Erwin technically is one of those uptight rich people, but instead of getting angry Erwin only seems to relax back into his chair again. As if Levi being snarky is a relief to him.

“Well, at least I know that you don’t want me for my money,” he jokes, and Levi actually thinks that _he _might be a little offended now.

“Gross,” he says, and just then the waitress comes over with the wine Erwin had ordered in, and as she pours it up for them, he mulls over what Erwin had just said. When the waitress takes her leave again, he asks, “Are you really that rich?”

Erwin tilts his head as he looks at him, taking a sip from his red wine.

“What do you mean?”

“That people would be after you for your money,” Levi clarifies.

Erwin hums thoughtfully.

“Some,” he says.

Levi studies him for a second. Finds himself wondering what type of life he was lived up until now, and even though Levi realizes that he could simply just ask, he finds that he’s not sure if he actually wants to know. He already has a pretty firm idea in his head of who exactly Erwin is, and the thought of that changing feels wrong.

“Did you think I was?” he asks instead.

Erwin gaze turns questioning.

“Think you were what?” he asks.

“Interested in you for your money?”

Erwin pauses and considers him, maybe trying to gauge if Levi is upset, before finally answering.

“I’d hope it was my stunning good looks that had drawn your attention, but one never knows.”

Levi raises one of his eyebrows, not impressed by the attempt at flirting, before leaning back in his chair with a sigh.

“As long as you don’t expect this to turn into some type of sugar daddy situation,” he says drily. Because if Erwin had suspected he might be after him for his money and still gone out with him, _well _– that might mean something.

Across the table, the comment causes Erwin to splutter, spilling his drink down onto the table, and Levi can’t help laughing at his mortified expression.

“Are you blushing?” Levi asks, almost gleeful.

Erwin clears his throat instead of answering, using his napkin to wipe away the wine that has dribbled down his jaw and that which has spilled across the table.

“Let’s call the waitress over and have her take our order, shall we?” he says, voice strained, and Levi doesn’t miss the red tinting his cheeks. In a show of restraint, Levi refrains from bringing it up, hiding his amused smile behind his hand.

After that, the dinner goes relatively smoothly. It eases something in his chest that had been fearing that they wouldn’t get along with these new lives of theirs. Even though one might say they hadn’t exactly always gotten along that well before either.

However, just as quickly as he feels more relaxed, the thing that Levi has been steadily ignoring is brought up when Erwin asks if he wants to share a drink with him back at his apartment, and he has to focus on trying to keep his heart rate steady. Maybe some part of him had thought Erwin would be one of those who waited until the third or fourth date, but obviously that was the wrong assumption to make. He knows he can say no, Erwin doesn’t appear to want to pressure him in the slightest, even puts up the option that he can also just drive Levi home. But maybe he’s scared that Erwin will lose interest and disappear. He thinks it’s unlikely, but maybe he’s scared anyway.

“Okay, let’s do drinks,” he says, a confidence in his voice that doesn’t reflect the reality of the turmoil inside of him.

Levi doesn’t let his nerves show as Erwin drives them back to his place, keeping a tight lid on his emotions. It isn’t hard to pretend, he’s been doing it regularly since he was a kid after all.

The apartment is just as nice as Levi imagined that it would be, but somehow actually being faced with it still makes him immediately want to turn and head back out the door again.

“I’ll fix us up some gin and tonic,” Erwin tells him at his side, heading for the kitchen. The apartment is pretty much largely just one open space, the kitchen floating into the big living room area, and Levi moves further into the apartment, letting his hand drag against the kitchen island as he passes it, Erwin eyes following him as he gets two glasses out of one of the cabinets. Passed the kitchen and living room area there’s a spacious bedroom and an almost equally as spacious office room next to it, and Levi peers curious into it. With books and papers lying spread out on the desk, it seems to be the most lived-in room of the place by far. Unwillingly, he’s reminded of the office he often sees in his dreams and it tugs at his insides. Erwin spent a lot of time in there as well.

Shaking himself from his thoughts, he makes his way back to the living room, taking a seat on the couch that’s facing the floor to ceiling windows with a nice view out of the city. It had been some time since he’d last been so far up above the rest of the world.

Erwin joins him shortly after, handing him the drink and leaving enough space between them that it’s clear he won’t try anything. Levi knows what he’s doing. Acting respectful, not pushing for more, probably assuming that Levi is young, nervous and inexperienced. Trying to play under the illusion that he didn’t invite Levi back to his place to fuck him.

For some reason, it pisses him off.

Taking a large mouthful of the gin and tonic, he sets the drink down and climbs into Erwin’s lap, taking his drink from him as well and putting it on the table next to his own.

“We don’t have to,” Erwin says, but Levi only kisses him hard to shut him up.

Erwin, for however much he pretends to act like a gentlemen doesn’t pause before letting his hands trail down to cup Levi’s ass, dragging him closer and pushing up against him.

Levi’s stomach is clenched tightly with a building sensation as he makes sure to grind down onto Erwin’s cock, which he can feel is already hard beneath him.

Breaking the kiss, he lowers his head to bite down at the crock of Erwin’s neck as he lets his hand sneak down to press against the bulge in Erwin’s trousers.

With a groan, Erwin seizes his wrist.

“The bed would be more comfortable,” he says, sounding breathless.

Levi only stares at him for a moment before shrugging his shoulders and standing up.

“Fine, whatever you say,” he says brusquely, not knowing why he feels such a wave of strange anger coming over him suddenly.

He walks ahead of Erwin, removing his belt and throwing his shirt over his head on the way.

“Levi, you –” But Levi knows he’s about to start up some bullshit again so he interrupts him before he has time to continue.

“I wouldn’t fucking be here if I didn’t want to,” he seethes, turning around to glare at him, wondering why his hands shake slightly as he goes to unbuckle his jeans.

“Let me,” Erwin says softly, stepping forward and pushing him gently down onto the bed. Levi lets him, feels suddenly vulnerable in a way he doesn’t want to think about.

Laying down, he allows Erwin to remove his pants, and he concentrates on keeping his breathing even as Erwin hovers above him, gazing down at him steadily in a way that makes Levi want to crawl out of his skin.

Take back control of the situation, he tells himself, taking a deep breath as he wraps his legs around Erwin and flips them around, making Erwin look up at him with wide-eyed surprise.

“You’re taking too long,” he says as he inches down Erwin’s body to pull down his dress pants. He doesn’t pause for a second before he then lowers his head to take Erwin’s cock in his mouth.

Cursing loudly, Erwin grips his hair tightly and Levi responds by taking him deeper until he’s pressed right up against Erwin’s groin and he can feel the length of him deep in his throat. He hums around the feel of it and the moan Erwin makes in response sounds almost pained.

“God, you’re going to make me come way too quickly if you continue like that,” he says, voice unsteady, but Levi only takes it as further incentive and he renews his efforts, starting up a steady rhythm that has Erwin tensing under him.

With another curse, Erwin grabs his head to tug him back up and kisses him deeply, murmuring against his lips, “I’m not as young as I used to be and I haven’t even really had a chance to touch you yet.”

“Fucking touch me then,” Levi growls, tugging at his shirt that he still hasn’t removed and Erwin laughs as he helps him throw it aside.

Looking down at his body, Levi traces his hands over his chest, his heart constricting at the pale unblemished skin there. Completely free from cuts, bruises and marks, and Levi mourns the loss of them in a way he can’t explain.

As he looks up, he realizes that Erwin is already watching him, his eyes feeling like a noticeable pressure against his skin, and Levi lean’s down to kiss him fiercely just so he won’t have to feel them pressing down on him.

Erwin’s hands glide against his skin, leaving burning trails behind, and when they travel down his back to cup his ass he uses his hands to spread Levi open, letting a finger slip between, and Levi presses back against the sensation as Erwin lets the finger tease against his opening.

“Lube?” he asks against Erwin’s lips.

“Bedside drawer,” Erwin responds huskily, but when Levi goes to reach over, Erwin stops him.

“I’ll do it,” he says, and Levi can’t make himself refuse so he lies back down as Erwin reaches inside the drawer to get the lube.

“You’re washing your hands afterwards,” Levi says, staring up into the ceiling and trying to catch his breath.

“Excuse me?” Erwin sounds amused but Levi doesn’t even dignify to turn his head to look at him.

“It’s not up for debate,” he says simply. “You’re not touching me with a hand that’s been inside my ass.”

Erwin laughs softly as he takes his place between Levi’s legs.

“As you wish,” he says, and Levi swears that he can hear the smile in his voice.

At the feel of the first finger pressing against his hole and slowly being pushed inside, Levi exhales and tells his body to relax. It’s been a while since last time, he knows.

“You’re tight,” Erwin says, looking up at him hungrily. “I can’t wait to have you wrapped around me.”

Then, before Levi has any time to feel embarrassed, he leans down and envelops Levi’s whole length in his mouth and Levi moans shakily. He’s so wrapped up in the feeling of Erwin’s warm mouth around him that he barely notices as he works in a second finger, but as the third pushes against his rim the stretch starts to become a heavy pressure and he squirms uncomfortably against it.

“You can take it,” Erwin tells him, mouth pressed against his hip bone, pressing kisses against his skin as he works the three fingers inside of him. “Just be a good boy and relax for me.”

“Jeez,” he pants, hands curling into fists at his side as Erwin’s fingers brush against his prostate, “you actually are into the whole daddy thing aren’t you?”

He can feel Erwin’s smile against him as he twists the fingers just so and Levi let’s out a soft sound embarrassingly close to a whine.

“Okay, okay, get on with it, would you?” He’s not begging but his voice comes out sounding way more desperate than what he would have liked.

“Ask me nicely and I might,” Erwin says teasingly and Levi glares down at him.

“Fucking please,” he sneers, and Erwin only laughs again.

“That’s not exactly nice, but it will have to do I suppose.” Then he removes his fingers and holds up a condom that Levi guesses had been in the same drawer as the lube, ripping the package open and rolling it down his cock that’s curving up against his stomach, and coating it with lube as he pumps it a few time with his hand. Levi feels unable to rip his gaze away.

“Fuck, you’re big.” The words slip out unwittingly, but he doesn’t shy away as Erwin looks at him with burning eyes.

“You’ll take it nicely,” he purrs, and Levi feels his stomach clench with arousal at the comment.

“Washing first,” he reminds him, and Erwin leans over to kiss him quickly on the lips before getting up.

“Of course,” he says, allowing Levi precious few seconds to gather himself together again as he heads to the adjoining bathroom. As he hears the tap running, Levi turns around on his stomach so that he’s resting on his knees and elbows. He knows it’s cowardly of him to not want to look at him, but it feels better, safer.

He hears as Erwin stops in the doorway back to the bedroom and he hates how self-conscious he feels, but refuses to turn around to look at him.

“That’s a pretty sight,” Erwin says, and Levi only just stops himself from snapping something insulting back at him.

Then Erwin climbs back up the bed and takes up the place behind him, his hand a warm weight on his lower back.

“Ready?”

Levi simply answers by pushing more firmly back against him.

“Impatient, are we?” Erwin teases, as he spreads Levi open and without any more forewarning pushes inside. It burns slightly, but it’s in the most pleasurable way possible, arousal burning like a fire inside Levi, urging him on, and he presses back to meet Erwin’s thrusts with a groan.

“God, that’s nice,” Erwin breathes, fucking into him slowly in a way that makes Levi able to feel every ridge of his cock as it bottoms out in him again and again, driving him half insane.

“Fuck me harder,” he says, and Erwin brings one hand up to grip his hair, tugging his head back and making Levi gasp.

“Harder you say?” he murmurs as he increases the tempo. “Can you take it?”

“Yes.” His answer is barely more than a moan as it leaves his lips, as the cock inside of him harshly stabs against his pleasure point.

“Fuck, just like that,” he says, “Fuck, _Erwin_.”

The thrusting inside of him stutter to a stop and he feels like screaming at him to continue.

“Did you call me Erwin just now?” The question takes him off guard, and it’s only then that he realizes his mistake.

“Crap,” he mutters to himself. Before saying more loudly to Erwin, “It’s not an ex or anything.”

“Right.” He sounds hesitant. “So, who’s Erwin?”

“You are, idiot,” Levi says, frustrated about the whole damn situation. He clenches down against the cock still hard inside of him and Erwin releases a breathless sound. “I said I didn’t like your name didn’t I?”

“So you’ve decided to call me Erwin instead?” Levi gives an annoyed sigh and pulls away from him, the cock sliding out and leaving Levi achingly empty. It’s not hard to flip them back over so that Erwin’s on his back again, and Levi climbs over to straddle his waist.

“I fucking know it’s weird,” he says as he reaches down to hold Erwin’s cock steady as he slides down on it. “But can we not talk about this now?” He clenches down again and Erwin’s hands come up to grip his hips tightly. The almost involuntarily thrust of his hip to fuck further into him tells him that Erwin probably wants things to keep moving along as well.

“As long as you’re not imagining someone else while we’re having sex,” he says and Levi leans down to take his face between his hands.

“Unless you start to move again I might fucking start,” he says. “This one guy that I work with is pretty hot –”

Erwin thrust up into him, making the rest of what he was going to say turn into a moan instead. And as Erwin helps by lifting his hips up and down, Levi can feel his orgasm building up quickly again, and he’s panting as he captures Erwin’s lips in a filthy kiss that’s more tongue than finesse. When the pleasure starts to reach its crescendo, he reaches down with his hand to start jerking himself off, and he comes with a shudder, feeling oversensitive but continuing to move his hips until Erwin comes with a grunt.

They’re both simply lying there collecting their breaths for a couple of minutes before Erwin slowly and carefully eases out of him. Levi sprawls out on the bed as he hears Erwin move into the bathroom again. When he comes back he has a hot wet towel with him, and somehow the act of Erwin cleaning him feels even more intimate than the act of sex itself, and it makes Levi’s lungs constrict tightly. When he then slides back into the bed, he drags the comforter up around them, pressing up against Levi’s back and with his arm slung around his middle, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. Levi has never been much for cuddles, and the act of it now makes him experience an innate instinct of wanting to run away, but a deep exhaustion has settled in his bones and he feels too tired to get up. Sleep comes to him easily.

**o0o**

_“So, when did you first start to experience these memories?” _

_“There wasn’t a certain starting point, they’ve just always been there from the moment my brain started to be able to string together coherent thoughts.” _

_Her head tilts slightly at his answer, and while her expression gives nothing away, he knows that she was hoping, or maybe still believes, that something must have triggered them. Never mind that she already knows through previous questioning with him and his parents that he’s had no specific traumatic moment in his life. _

_“That has to have been hard to deal with as a child.” She finally chooses to respond with._

_“Well obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t be here would I?” The answer is sarcastic and harsh._

_She regards him closely for a moment. _

_“I think that you have a lot of suppressed anger within you,” she says while leaning forward. “In fact, I believe that you suppress most, if not all, of your emotions.” _

_When he doesn’t answer, she sighs. _ _“I realize that this has to be a sort of coping mechanism for you. But it’s not something that’s sustainable in the long run. I’m scared that it might result in you reaching a breaking point.” _

_“I’m fine.” _

_“You have to realize that it’s okay to be vulnerable. You’re not this other person in your head. You don’t have to feel as if you have to carry all that weight on your shoulders.” _

**o0o**

He wakes up with a jerk, heart slamming in his chest as the remnant of his dream slowly eases to the back of his mind. It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real. He repeats the mantra to himself as he looks over at Erwin still sleeping peacefully beside him. Alive and well.

Outside, the sun has only just started to rise, the first rays reaching over the horizon and chasing away the darkness, and Levi realizes that he needs to leave before it gets bright enough that Erwin might wake up as well. He simply can’t stay, not with the panic threatening to take a hold of him. And not when he accidentally called Erwin by the wrong name. Or _right name_, but that’s beyond the point. He messed up and he can’t explain it to Erwin if he’s asked about it again. Not to mention that Levi won’t be able to stop doing it if they keep spending time together. No way in hell is he going to start calling him _Mark Jenkins_.

Fuck, such a stupid decision to go on the date from the start.

“I killed him and now I’m fucking him, what a fucking joke,” he mutters to himself as he carefully gets up from the bed and goes about finding his clothes that has been strewn all over the place.

He focuses on his breathing as he moves around the apartment quietly, sparing Erwin one more glance before heading out the door, closing it gently behind him. All the while hating how he feels so goddamn empty.

**o0o**

_“This man you’re speaking of, you’ve mentioned him before quite a few times. What’s his name?”_

_He stares at her, not sure if he wants to answer or not. He hasn’t told her any of their names before. He hasn’t told anyone. No one has ever really asked._

_“What does it matter?”_

_“Well it matters to you, so it matters to me. But if you don’t want to tell me we can come back to it later or simply leave it be. I can tell that it’s a bit of a sensitive area for you.”_

_She gives him some time to answer and when he doesn’t respond he can see how she readies herself to change the subjects, but before she even manages to get out her first word he can hear himself blurting it out._

_“Erwin, his name was Erwin.”_

**o0o**

Several days pass and Erwin doesn’t text him or attempt to call and Levi isn’t sure whether he’s relieved or angry about it. Doesn’t know if it means he’s just respecting Levi’s boundaries or if he simply has no desire to see him again. Not that it should matter, not that Levi should even care. He was the one who walked out and he knows it was the right choice to make.

But despite this, Levi feels his whole body itching to go back and the next week passes in something of a blur as he stays up late drinking and gets through work hungover and with minimal sleep. If his coworkers notice that he’s grumpier than usual they don’t say anything.

He manages to make it a full week before he breaks, and even then he spends the whole trip over to Erwin’s apartment hurling insults at himself over how much of an idiotic decision it is. He manages to slip by the reception as they’re busy talking to a group of other people and takes the elevator up to Erwin’s floor.

It’s first as he’s standing outside his door, hand raised ready to knock that he realizes he’s not even sure if he’s home. Or if he’s alone for that matter. For all Levi knows, he could have already moved on to the next person.

The thought makes him angry enough that he knocks without further hesitation. It’s quiet for a few seconds before he hears footsteps nearing from inside.

As the door opens, Erwin appears to freeze, blinking down at him with wide eyes.

“Didn’t think I’d see you again after you ran out on me,” he says eventually.

“Yeah,” Levi says, clearing his throat and pushing his hands deeper down into the pockets of his jacket. “Sorry about that.”

Erwin studies him carefully.

“Would you like to come in?” he asks, voice unsure.

“Yes. Thank you.” Levi takes a deep breath as he steps over the threshold.

**o0o**

_“So growing up, it must have felt as if you were living with a double identity?” _

_“Well, it’s not like that aspect has changed.” He tries to say it with an attempt at humor but can hear it falling short._

_“No, I suppose maybe it hasn’t,” she responds, sounding regretful. _

**o0o**

They start seeing each other more often after that. Levi hesitates to call them a couple even though he knows that’s basically what they are, or at least on their way to become. Erwin takes him out on several more dates and Levi starts spending more time at his apartment than his own. He decides to surprise Erwin at work when he’s staying late one night, bringing food and drinks for the both of them, and he only does it because Erwin has more or less been paying for everything so far and Levi feels he needs to pay him back in some way. But the loving look Erwin gives him at the gesture makes Levi immediately realize his mistake. They’re nearing dangerous territory now and he knows it, yet despite this he’s not fully sure as to how to prevent it happening.

He's managed to avoid calling him Erwin again, even though he’s still refusing to call him by his supposed real name, but he knows it’s just a matter of time before he’ll slip up again. Thankfully Erwin hasn’t asked about it again, even though Levi is aware of the puzzled look that sometimes gets sent his way. More than that, however, Levi more and more often catches Erwin watching him with an achingly fond expression that scares him to the bones. There’s one evening when they’re simply lazing around on the couch watching tv that Levi turns his head and meets Erwin’s eyes. He’s lying down with his feet propped up on Erwin’s lap, his hand’s trailing slow patterns on Levi’s legs, and the affectionate look in his eyes makes Levi’s heart beat just a fraction faster even as he can’t tear his gaze away.

“Levi, I think I…” He trails off, but Levi can see him opening his mouth to speak again and it makes him panic enough that he’s up from his position and kissing him fervently to shut him up before any more words have any chance of slipping out.

**o0o**

_“Do you ever grieve these people that you remember losing?_

_He can feel himself tense at the question, uncomfortable and hesitant on how to respond. _

_“It’s okay if you do,” she tells him. “It’s not something that you need to be ashamed about. You have memories of people close to you dying, it’s understandable to be sad.”_

_“Yeah, but they’re not actually real people. It would be weird to mourn people who didn’t even exist in the first place.”_

_“But they’re not just pretend to you, are they?” she asks him, pausing slightly before continuing, “Understand that I’m not saying or encouraging you to go around being constantly sad and feel upset over friends that you feel as if you’ve lost, but I’m only saying that it’s also not healthy to simply ignore it. You need to work through this. Process it so that you one day will be able to move past it.”_

_He looks away, doesn’t like the pressing feeling in his chest._

_“Can we talk about something else?” he asks._

_She’s quiet for a bit, observing him._

_“Yes, of course.”_

**o0o**

He doesn’t know how he manages to avoid Erwin seeing his apartment for three whole months, but the fifth time Erwin asks about it he simply doesn’t have any more excuses available. It’s not like he doesn’t already know where Levi lives so he’s not sure why he feels embarrassed about it. It’s not as if Erwin is expecting anything extraordinary out of it.

Perhaps it’s just that it feels personal.

“Well, here you have it,” Levi says as he opens the door wide to allow Erwin inside.

“It’s nice,” Erwin says as he takes a few steps in and gazes around. Seeing as it’s a studio apartment he doesn’t exactly need to move around to take it all in. “I like it.”

“Yeah okay, sure,” Levi says sarcastically. “You don’t need to lie, we’re already sleeping together.”

Erwin turns and quirks a smile at him.

“I’m not lying,” he says earnestly, “It’s very clean, and it’s quite cozy.”

Levi snorts as he hangs away his jacket.

“See, I know that cozy is just a synonym you use for _small_.”

As he passes Erwin to make his way over to the wardrobe, he grabs Levi around the waist and spins him around, smiling down at him before kissing him softly. The gesture makes his whole body tingle.

“I mean it,” Erwin says after he pulls away again. “And there’s no reason for you to feel ashamed over it.”

“I’m not ashamed,” Levi defends immediately. And he’s not. Maybe he feels a bit embarrassed to show it to Erwin, but he’s lived in far worse places, even if it’s not in this life.

“Good. I’m glad you showed it to me,” Erwin says, and he sounds pleased, satisfied even, to have Levi sharing this with him. The whole thing is tearing at something inside of him, and so instead of confronting it head-on, Levi gives Erwin a quick kiss before walking over to the closet.

“I’m just going to grab a change of clothes and then we’re leaving,” he says over his shoulder, bringing out a small bag to put everything in. He’s only going to be spending the weekend at Erwin’s place so he doesn’t need much anyway. He knows that he can just leave some clothes in Erwin’s wardrobe if he wants, Erwin has even suggested it to him, but it feels permanent in a way he’s not sure they are yet.

“What’s this?” The words break him out of his thoughts and he turns around to see as to what Erwin is referring, and then instantly feels how his blood turns to ice in his veins as he witnesses Erwin sitting bent down, with the covers lifted from Levi’s paintings, studying them curiously.

“Wait, is this one me?” Erwin sounds both stunned and amazed as he looks down on the portrait Levi had painted of him probably two years prior. “When did you paint this?” He doesn’t even look up as he asks, still engrossed in carefully shifting through the different canvases, studying each one with reverence. He still hasn’t picked up on Levi’s silence.

“Levi, these are amazing,” he says. “Why did you never tell me you’re a painter?”

It’s first now that he turns around to face him again, and Levi knows something must show on his face because Erwin stands back up again and looks at him questioningly. 

“You okay?”

It takes a moment for Levi to find his voice to speak.

“You shouldn’t have seen those.”

Erwin only seems confused. He doesn’t get it and Levi knows he shouldn’t expect him to.

“Why would you ever want to keep those hidden? You have a real talent here.” And he truly does sound perplexed, and curious, looking at Levi like he’s never seen him before. And Levi realizes that he hasn’t. He still hasn’t actually seen who Levi is. And he never really will.

“I need you to leave.” His mouth feels dry and when he tries to swallow it’s as if his throat closes up.

Erwin appears to at least understand that something is wrong now.

“What?” He asks, brows furrowed as he looks at him. Levi feels the way his hands start to tremble.

“Leave.” He tries to swallow again.

“Because of the paintings?”

_No, because I’m about to have a fucking panic attack. _But he can’t respond because his throat has already clenched shut and it’s making it impossible to speak. Instead he backs up against the wall, sinking down onto the floor while trying his hardest to inhale through his nose and out through his mouth.

“Levi?” Erwin is barely more than a blurry figure in front of him, but Levi feels his hands as they cup his face. He tries to make himself stand again but at this point all his muscles have tensed and started going numb to a point where he can’t even make his fingers move. Dimly he’s aware that he’s hyperventilating.

“Hey, Levi, come on. Breathe with me. Slowly, just take deep breaths.” He wants to snap at Erwin to shut up and go away, that he knows what he’s doing, it’s not his first time and he fucking knows that he needs to calm himself down and get his breathing under control. It just takes some time is all. A panic attack is not something you can just break out of from one second to the next.

He doesn’t know how long it takes for him to get his breathing relatively back to normal, but Erwin stays kneeling in front of him the whole time. Stroking his hair gently and murmuring calming words of encouragement.

Exhaling shakily he focuses on slowly trying to move his fingers again and eventually the numbness recedes enough that he can both extend them and squeeze them into fists without problem. It takes a bit longer for his legs to come back as well, but when they do he simply relaxes and lets his limbs go loose. Fuck, he feels exhausted.

Erwin’s hands are still touching him and they are a reassuring weight as they trail down to cradle his neck. He wonders vaguely if he will have scared Erwin away, if he’s freaked out by having watched him have a breakdown. If he has finally figured out Levi is more trouble than he’s worth. He wouldn’t blame him if that was the case.

But instead, as he looks up, Erwin is just calmly regarding him. Worry and concern in his gaze, but not a hint of hesitation or discomfort.

“You back with me?” he asks steadily.

“Yeah.” His voice is gravely as he speaks and he clears his throat.

“Come on, you should lie down,” Erwin says, and he helps Levi stand, leading him over to the bed, and Levi feels too tired to protest. As Erwin then let’s go of him and starts to turn away, Levi flings his hand out to grab a hold of him.

“Don’t go,” he says, and he hates how vulnerable he sounds, but he still doesn’t let go of Erwin’s hand.

“I’m only going to grab you some water,” Erwin says tenderly.

But Levi only squeezes his hand tighter.

“Okay,” Erwin says. “Whatever you want.” And Levi scoots over so that Erwin can lie down next to him. The bed is only a single so it’s a tight fit, but Levi doesn’t mind having Erwin pressed so close to him, and he curls up with his face pressed against Erwin’s chest.

They lie there long enough that the sun starts to go down and Levi feels less of a wreck, dozing off at one point and waking up again to the apartment having fallen into darkness, only faint light being filtered in through the windows from the city outside.

Erwin’s hand is warm as it slowly strokes his back, and he must have noticed that Levi is awake because he murmurs quietly, “It’s getting late, maybe we should get some dinner?”

Levi murmurs affirmatively but doesn’t make an attempt at moving, instead letting his own hands that are bundled up in Erwin’s sweater trail down until they come to rest at the waistband of his pants. Before he has a chance to fully unbutton them, however, Erwin seizes his hands to still them.

“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea,” he says. “You just had a panic attack.”

“So?” Levi retorts, looking up at Erwin with irritation. “You mean you don’t want to touch me now ‘cause I cried a little?” He can hear how bitter he sounds and Erwin only sighs in response.

“Levi, you know that’s not it.”

“If it’s not a problem you shouldn’t have anything against fucking me,” he says sharply. Erwin studies him for several seconds, trying to read him.

“You don’t have to prove yourself to me.” The words feel like they physically cut him and Levi scowls at him, wrenching his hands free and pushing Erwin down on his back so that he can hover above him.

“Or maybe I just want you to fuck me because I like having your cock in me.” He knows he’s being deliberately provocative, but Erwin hardly even reacts, only stares up at him looking conflicted. But perhaps he can tell from something in Levi’s eyes that he needs this – the distraction of it, the confirmation that Erwin still wants him – because he goes pliant underneath him, arms coming up and embracing him, bringing them closer together again.

“We’ll go slow then,” he whispers.

**o0o**

_“I’m planning on moving.”_

_She leans back in her chair but doesn’t appear especially surprised by the statement. _

_“Okay,” she says simply, waiting for him to continue. _

_“Mom doesn’t think I should.”_

_“Well, it’s natural for a mother to worry. It’s her job.”_

_Levi feels the anger brewing just under the surface as he says, “I can’t stand being around them anymore. Or just staying here in general. I fucking hate it. I can never be what she wants me to be.”_

_There’s compassion in her eyes as she looks at him._

_“Then maybe it will do you both some good to get some distance. Sometimes getting space between two people can strengthen a relationship.” Then she adds, “I’m guessing this means you’re planning to stop your therapy sessions?”_

_For some reason, he can’t make himself look at her as he responds._

_“I don’t know if there’s anything more you can do to help either way.”_

_“It’s your decision,” she says, and she doesn’t sound anything other than understanding. _

**o0o**

The first time Erwin carefully tries to broach the subject of Levi’s panic attack, Levi is quick to shut him down. The second time he gets annoyed enough to snap back at him, and the third time they end up having their first real fight.

“Would you just fucking drop it?” Levi snarls at him. They’re standing in Erwin’s kitchen after just having finished up dinner and Levi feels a strong desire to throw one of the plates down onto the floor just to watch it break.

“No, I won’t. Not until you at least give me some type of explanation,” Erwin says, and he’s calm, or calmer than Levi at least, but it’s clear from the look in his eyes that he’s agitated. “We’ve been together for four months, Levi, and you have yet to tell me anything vaguely personal about yourself.”

“That’s not true,” Levi defends, narrowing his eyes. “I’ve fucking told you about my whole family and childhood.”

“But you also skirt around topics and leave out anything remotely emotional.”

“_Emotional?_” Levi grimaces at the word.

“Yes. Sometimes it’s as if you’re just completely shut off from everything. I want you to tell me things. I want to know how you’re feeling. And I need to know what made you break down in a panic attack so that I know what I did wrong and how to avoid it in the future.” Erwin sounds frustrated as he speaks, and then pauses as if to rein himself in, only weariness left in his voice as he says, “You’re my boyfriend for god’s sake. I just want you to trust me.”

And Levi feels the fight drain out of him from one second to the next.

Boyfriend. The word repeats in his head.

“I do trust you.” But he feels guilty enough when he says it that he can’t fully make himself meet Erwin’s gaze.

“Then talk to me.”

“It’s not that simple,” Levi says, and his voice is barely more than a whisper.

Erwin stares at him in silence, and Levi knows he won’t let this one go.

“Fuck,” he mutters. “The paintings are just really personal to me, okay? I wasn’t ready for you to see them. The only people who’ve ever really seen my art before has been my family and even then it makes me uncomfortable.”

“Why?” Erwin asks. “They’re gorgeous, I don’t see why you wouldn’t want to show them off.”

“Firstly, they’re not that amazing you don’t have to exaggerate,” he says with a scoff, “And secondly, as I already told you, it feels too personal.” And he starts feeling annoyed again because he really doesn’t want to be forced to talk about this. Erwin obviously notices, maybe feels bad for prodding, because his eyes soften.

“Okay,” he says, “Thank you for telling me.”

Then they both fall quiet for a while, simply gazing at each other, the remains of the fight still hanging over them, and Levi thinks they both probably feel somewhat unsure of how to proceed. Then Erwin breaks the silence by tentatively asking, “Would you ever show them to me again?”

Levi considers telling him no, but then also realizes how pointless it would be to keep it from him. He already knows anyway, already saw them.

“I guess,” he says, still somewhat reluctant. “If you want.”

“Very much so,” Erwin replies.

And so he does, about two weeks later. He stands uncomfortably to the side as Erwin takes ample time to study each of the paintings, pausing as he gets to one that Levi painted years earlier, where you can see the outlines of a person standing on top of a massively large wall with wings sprouting from their back. Erwin brings his hand out and reaches out as if he’s about to touch the canvas before stopping himself with his fingers barely an inch away.

“It’s strange,” he comments, “Even from the first time I saw your paintings I could swear that they felt familiar to me. A bit like déjà vu, you know?”

Levi stares at him even as Erwin continues gazing at the painting, feeling a bit as if the floor has opened up underneath him, and for a moment Levi’s surprised that he manages to stay upright, but he forces himself to maintain composure. He doesn’t even dare to hope for anything so he says nothing in return.

“A bit like you,” Erwin adds, turning to look at him with a half-smile.

“Like me?” Levi echoes.

“Yes, you’ve always felt strangely familiar as well.”

His heart stutters in his chest, but he can’t make himself ask anything further. He can hear from Erwin’s tone that there’s no hidden meaning behind those words, that they don’t mean the same to him as they do to Levi, and he’s scared that he might say something that will freak him out.

After several seconds, Erwin turns back to the paintings, and Levi feels a bit like he can breathe again.

“You know, if you ever change your mind, I know someone who owns a gallery in town who I could put you in contact with,” Erwin tells him, almost offhandedly.

The sentence is bizarre enough that Levi laughs.

“What?” But Erwin doesn’t appear to be joking so Levi asks, “Are you serious?”

Erwin raises one of his eyebrows. “I wasn’t lying when I said I thought you had talent, Levi.”

“There’s a difference between being okay at art and being good enough to have an art exhibition,” Levi tries to explain, but Erwin obviously doesn’t get it because he simply replies, “I don’t see why you wouldn’t think you’re good enough.”

Levi stares at him incredulously. The idea is absurd really. He never even went to art school.

“I never even went to art school,” he says and Erwin quirks a smile at him.

“I’m pretty sure that’s not a requirement to hold an exhibition.”

“You’re actually serious,” Levi says as if to clarify.

Erwin slowly stands back up and closes the distance between them so that he can bury his hands in the black strands of his hair. He does that a lot, Levi has noticed.

“I don’t mean to push you,” he starts, his hands lowering to cup Levi's cheeks to let his thumb stroke across his cheek. “You said your art was personal to you and I respect that, but I wanted to let you know if you were ever interested. And even though I can’t promise anything, I really don’t think she’d say no.”

“I’ll think about it,” he says and Erwin smiles down at him, embracing him fully, and Levi closes his eyes at the feeling of it, inhaling the comforting scent of him.

“Would it be weird if I called you Erwin again?” he asks quietly. He’s afraid that the arms around him will fall away at the question, but they stay securely around him, even as Erwin pauses before answering.

“If you want to, I guess I could agree to it,” he says slowly. “It could be like your nickname for me, I suppose, even though it’s quite a strange nickname to give.”

Levi laughs, warmth filling his entire body as he grips Erwin tighter. And in that moment Levi wonders what he would do if Erwin suddenly wasn’t in his life anymore. He doesn’t think he’d be able to stand it.

Moving back slightly so that he can look up and meet Erwin’s eyes, Levi’s hands trail up to grip at the back of his neck

“You know that I – That I –” The words refuse to leave his mouth as he attempts to speak, and Erwin looks at him softly, one of his hand coming up to cup his cheek, his thumb stroking gently over Levi’s mouth.

“I know,” he says. “It’s okay, you don’t have to say it. I love you too.”

It’s hard to explain the emotions consuming him at hearing that, but he pushes himself up on his feet and forces Erwin’s head down so that he can kiss him. Tries desperately to convey everything through his lips that his words can’t.

Erwin doesn’t offer any resistance as he opens his mouth to deepen the kiss, not even breaking away from his mouth as he unceremoniously lifts Levi off his feet and carries him a few feet to push him up against the wall. Levi moans around his tongue, legs wrapped around his waist and hands still gripping at his neck.

“Will you tell me what meaning the name has to you?” Erwin murmurs, lips moving against his own.

Not yet, he thinks. It’s still too soon.

“Someday I might. If we stay together long enough.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Erwin says with a grin, before diving back in to kiss him again. And Levi hears the unspoken words behind it. _I’m not going anywhere. _


End file.
